I’ve pondered lately the idea that maybe, just maybe I’d like to try a monogamous relationship, a deep, intimate, soul mate type relationship that is may not last forever, but is a commitment in the now.It’s been a long time since I have even had a generic, run of the mill, ordinary, and monogamous relationship and much much longer since I was with someone who was like a soul mate, a best friend and lover and teller of secrets… that was probably 20 years ago!
Sure, I’ve had boyfriends, but never longer than a year, maybe year and a half. So several years ago, I decided why bother even having a monogamous relationship, they hadn’t worked out in my first 40 years of life, what would make me think they’d work out then. So, I decided what I wanted was to have amazing lovers with smart, successful, sexy, kind men!And guess what?
That is just what I did and of course I threw into the mix a few stable boys that were great in bed and kind, but not men I was specifically attracted to as even potential public dating options. I know, I’m a snob. I have a reputation, a good one in my public life. I’m smart (school smart, not just street smart), educated, philanthropic, successful, well-known in my communities, etc. So, my image is important to me and honestly the last couple monogamous “boyfriends” I had, well, some people had no idea I was even dating them, they just thought we were friends or working together on projects. That is how different they saw those men. Honestly, it is tough to find people in general that are on the same level of thinking and living that I’m on. Which is probably a good thing, because if everyone were always searching for something more, some higher level of consciousness to move to, to live in… well nothing would get done. Trust me. I see a shiny object and think, “oh my, what is that, let me try that next.”I laugh, you may laugh, but it’s true.
So it’s not really that I’m a snob, I just haven't appreciated the reliable, what I might call ordinary relationships that most people desire: someone to come home to, to sleep with at night, instead I’ve been attached to secrets and sex for a long time, really my whole life (yeah, watch for more on this in the future)Maybe that is part of the problem in having long term relationships, I get bored or lose the excitement, so I have to move on. In part too, I didn’t know how to truly love on a deep, intimate level that includes physical, sexual relationship as well. Okay, I’m probably not a great friend either, I don’t stay in touch, or follow up… hmm… that can be another post about my life in general ;-)
So, anyway, now that I’ve been practicing happiness quite a while and practicing self-love a few years now, I’m learning also to have those deeper, long term relationships – in a non-monogamous setting.Maybe I’m ready to move to deep, monogamous relationships…. Short or long term, I’m open to what happens, not attached to the outcome, but very attached to being in the present experience to a much higher level than ever before… in a healthy way.
That is scary to me because to do that, I need to end my current, happy, long term, non-monogamous relationships or at least move them in that direction. If I’m attached to those non-monogamous relationships, then there is less room for a monogamous to develop.I think I’m ready.
In fact, it’s been happening for me a bit, what we think about we attract, right? Law of attraction is powerful!So, my main squeeze, my soul mate, but not life mate of 5+ years, we’ve been less intimate in recent months due to health condition on his part, some travels, and now, my body has been making me feel less sexy with skin condition flare-ups. Skin issues are my thing, I’ve got 3 or 4 conditions that come and go and right now one has come and stayed a while, with some moderate pain and discomfort as well as a non-sexy look ;-)
Because of that and the fact that my stable boy is now living with roommates and in a house that are all, well, I guess yeah, I’m a snob. Or maybe I just like non-sticky floors and non-stale smoke filled air. I like to breath. Last time I succumbed to my hormones and went over there, I left my coat and bag in the car, went into the bedroom, took off my clothes and made him take them out to the porch! And the heat in the room was broken by a cold breeze through the open window which was a condition of my visit.When that happened, I realized I may have a problem.
Am I addicted to sex, no… but I do really love orgasms!!!After that night, a few month ago, I’ve avoided the stable boy's constant invites and pleas to worship and ravish my body. I have to say it’s so tempting! I think that is part of my recent stress that triggered the skin condition so I’d have an excuse to avoid having amazing hot sexy extended multiple orgasms.
Sigh, I want those things, but I just don’t want them under those conditions with that man.I also haven’t had multiple extended orgasms with main squeeze in a while. Again, me avoiding a little bit because of stuff, but he and I will always be friends, always be close, and always love each other. But he has other women in his life and I’ve had other men. It’s just the way it is.
The only other, kind of current, man lives in another state. Oh my, when he and I are together, wow! Always one of my favorite people to kiss and make out with. My favorite man to wake up with and make love to in the morning (have never woke up with main squeeze, so it's not that anyone is better). Too bad in the over ten years I’ve known him, he has not been emotionally available and only occasionally physically available. Each time I talk with him on the phone or see him in person, I never know if that is the last time. Yes, it’s that infrequent. But it’s so good that I always say yes when we have the opportunity. I want to say no, but interestingly he is finally after all this time, calling more often and actually talking about really scheduling a getaway with me to new places. In the past, I’ve only ever seen him in the state he lives in, where I also lived when we first met. Nearly every time I go back there, he makes time for me and we have amazing visits, sometimes take road trips, go on dates, and spend nights together, he has even drawn baths for me. It’s like a perfect match for those few days, then it’s over.There have been a couple other men in the picture in the past couple years, significant, but not in my present. I’ll probably share about them in the future, as I share a bit more about some triggers that took me to a pretty dark place recently and may be pushing me to clear my relationships now. But it’s too deep and too dark to write about now.
Let’s just leave off today with the idea that maybe, just maybe, I’m ready to put all this relationship, love, and intimacy practice together into one amazing monogamous experience.I’m open and getting ready.